" I just wanted you to know nothing else made me happier than seeing you happy & I'd give up everything to see you being happy. "

Words can't describe how I'm always feeling. But I've been confused for the longest of time, I don't know what i wanna do in life, who i wanna be & how things will eventually turn out. I'm like a misguided ghost wandering on in life & will continue to do so, so as long as life continues. I can never focus on what I'm doing instead I'm always giving up & disappointing my parents. If you haven't already know, I've been musically inclined as young as 5. I had piano, guzheng & pipa & now, I have none, depleted of everything that was once my life, everything that I once treasured like gold. I gave up all of em when I was sec1 without having second thoughts. The guilt of giving up all 3 still haunts me till now cos deep down I know my parents still wanted me to continue but I lost interest just like that.

I picked up guzheng since 7, this year's my 9th year. I would take my yearly exams & was supposed to take my diploma at the end of sec1 but I didn't eventually. But I've always remembered young me striving hard, making my way up to the top of the guzheng team & eventually becoming the leader for most performances & had my solos. Somedays, I'd even go home with red marks on my fingers/hands being hit continuously by a pen/stick by my teacher cos I wasn't up to her standard & I would always come home complaining how bitchy she was. Still, I enjoyed the process of learning, climbing my way up right to the top, practicising everyday about 2-4 hours a day so that i could be better than anyone on the team & most of all I enjoyed the taste of success of getting distinctions/merit for my exams. But now, it's all so different. I would always find excuses, try means & ways to skip guzheng cca & stopped touching my guzheng at home for 3 years. Most of the time, my mum has to counsel me in the morning in the car & convince me to go cca & each & everytime I tell her how cca went, I could really tell her heart was breaking. Not only did i gave up, i didn't wanna have anything to do with guzheng anymore.

Why? Why am i always changing & making things difficult for people around me? I can't understand myself. I know what I do would definitely get someone ending up feeling the pain that I so cowardly shunt from but I'd still do it anyway. Why can't i just have some determination in life to complete what I need to do? The surge of guilt, pain never teaches me any lessons. I don't learn & I can nearly conclude that I can't learn cos I simply don't. The hardest of methods never works for me, making me go a big round in life isn't any more effective either. Everytime I predict something would happen like the way it did before, I wouldn't stop it, I'd let it happen & then start crying over spilled milk. I just don't learn & can't empathise with anyone else but myself, all i see is myself. I needa do something, I needa change then maybe everything in my life would then change. Thing simply can't go on this way.